Deus X Makina

Dear Reggie Bush,

I noticed you did a little flip there. Into our endzone. On our field. In our house. Oh, no, we don't mind. Stand up; do a little jig. A little dance, to show everyone how classy you are. No problem; go ahead. Also, I liked how you pointed at Brian Urlacher during the run, who was actually the Bear farthest from you when you made the catch, as he tried to catch you. Yeah, I guess you're just too fast for our 258-pound linebacker. What an accomplishment.

A final note, though: turns out you were dancing a little early, huh? You remember when we scored a safety on you? You remember when we scored 23 unanswered points in the 2nd half? Man, we even used Thomas Jones 7 times in a row. Wow. After your little dance, too. That has to be embarassing.

But, hey, man, you're Reggie Bush. You just keep on somersaulting at away games. Show people how great your sportsmanship is. That's a great idea. Whoops, I heard they might take away your Heisman, though, because you and your whole family are a bunch of money-grubbing carpetbaggers who wouldn't know an NCAA Violation if it sat on your face. Too bad. I speak on behalf of Chicago when I say that would break our hearts. Don't worry though: you've still got the memory of your big touchdown. Hope it helps when you're cleaning out your locker this week while we're in the Super Bowl.

Dan

1. Lack of gil: I love the Loot/Bazaar system, but it wasn't enough. I grinded out 100+ chains four or five times for cash. Buying spells plus getting licenses was redundant. With treasure chests only containing random loot (never weapons/armor appropriate for your level), you were constantly strapped for cash. The Monographs help, too, but they should have been required.
2. Ending: you knew it was coming. Two-thirds of the way through, you were saying to yourself, "Hmm... Doesn't look like Ashe is interested in Vaan. Or Balthier. Or the Marquis. Or Basch." You got it: no love story! The ending brushes over a relationship, but doesn't say what happened. Then, some other people don't make an appearance at all for the ending! It's all pretty weak. Oh, and by the way, what happened to Al-Cid?
3. Vaan's abs: they're painted on!
4. Gambit system conditions very limited: why do you have Ally = KO Status if Ally = Any -> Phoenix Down works? How can I choose Esuna when only one of my allies is inflicted but Esunaga when more than one is? Do you know how useful a Foe = Not Been Stolen Yet would have been? It's good, but it's not great.
5. Espers basically useless: upon casting, odds are good you just wasted all your mana. Then, everyone attacks you. There's almost no way to prevent a bitchslap after level 40.
6. Alarmingly low ability to damage groups of enemies: because of the above casting animation problem, area of effect spells are nigh on instant death against monsters that will continuously attack. Lure plus spamming Renew seem to be the only tools for taking out groups in the endgame.
7. Penelo's lack of any contribution to the story: totally unused character.
8. Camera angles and their total inability to see large or flying enemies: you can barely see your damage hit them. God help you if he absorbs your weapon's elemental damage.
9. Switching party leaders: if your party leader dies, it's a race to save your sanity to get a Raise/Phoenix Down off. Loser has to switch back and forth all the time.
10. Spells with a long casting animation: anytime your Attack command gets locked, you can switch your gambits to use the high-damage spells, like Flare, Ardor, Scathe, and Holy, but you will find yourself constantly waiting for spell animations to complete while the mob can keep on attacking. Shock's animation is the last reasonable animation for a spell.
11. Have to learn necessity of quickenings on your own: Quickenings double and triple your MP, making them massively important. Does anyone tell you this? GameFAQs after you start getting your ass handed to you in Ogir-Yensa.
12. Only five techniques worth using: Steal, Charge, Libra, Telekenesis for flying, and Expose for bosses. Shear, Wither, Addle, Charm, Stamp, and Achilles are almost always immune. 1,000 Needles, Horology, Traveler, Sight Unseeing, and Souleater damage is eclipsed by normal attacks. The rest are poorly conceived. I think I used Gil Toss once or twice and it was okay.

Lovie: we love ya, babe. Let us preface what we're saying with that. You're taking the Bears back to the playoffs, most likely with another bye and plenty of homefield to work with. So we're happy; we really are.

But Rex sucks. I mean, seriously, is he breaking some Tomzack "Most Interceptions That My Grandma Could Have Picked Off, And She Ain't Got No Arms" records or something? Every throw is like some horrific footage of how not to play quarterback. I've never heard Joe Buck say "...and Rex throws off his back foot..." so many times. You can see Joe cringing in the booth, counting the days until baseball starts. Rex isn't planting his feet. He's not watching the safety coverage. He's not selling the play-action. He's not mobile enough. The only thing he's got going is durability, and we don't want him to be durable!

So we love you sticking to your guns, but seriously, when's it going to be Griese-time? We're just looking at Seattle, and going, "Man, hope they get hit with some more injuries, because they're pretty good." Sure, we understand: Rex is winning. Why fix what ain't broke? Okay. But consider this: next game, send out Sexy Rexy on the first drive. 11 plays, 9 rushes, 2 screen passes. Score, 7-0. Now, next drive, have Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson take direct snaps: no quarterback necessary. Sure, they'll stack 7 and bring the house. But we'll use the full 45 seconds every play, and punt away. Defense gets rested up, then takes the field again. True, this strategy failed in The Waterboy, but they don't have Henry Winkler. What do you think?

I think this will work.

1. Soriano (CF)
   
2. DeRosa (2B)
   
3. Lee (1B)
   
4. Ramirez (3B)
   
5. Barrett (C)
   
6. Jones (RF)
   
7. Murton (LF)
   
8. Cedeno (SS)

• Zambrano
• Miller
• Marshall
• Prior
• Hill
• Dempster (CL)